What A weird night.

I wanted to write tonight.  I wanted to write on paper but I settled for the Internet.

I've been kind of in a fog lately not really having feelings either way. A while back I had prayed to have faith, faith in anything, faith that the sun would come up tomorrow, faith that something really good and wonderful would happen to me. But I still struggle with that. I feel like I set myself up to get hurt. That I trust too much. I believe that everyone is good deep down, and I have found that this is not always the case.  Faith is hard to have when you've lived the upsets I've endured. But I'm working on it. Everyday.

I'm learning a lot about friendship and relationships.  I'm learning how to be a better friend, to listen and offer advice.  I'm not always the best at it but I'm growing and learning. I'm also learning how to trust others with my friendship. I'm starting to see that there are people out that that do care. They love me despite all my crazy features that make me human, that make me real and valid. It was hard at first to trust that there are people that do care about me. But I'm finding comfort in it, I'm relaxing a little and just being me. :)  I love it.

I'm thinking of my future and where I want to go.
I'm trying to have faith that if things are meant to be they will be, and I don't have to worry about them working out, they just will.


It's been a calm night so far and I should just be thankful for that I let my worries catch me some other night.  That's what I'll do.  I pretend that I'm right where I want to be, I'll let my mind believe that there is nothing wrong, nothing outta place.  And I will sleep peaceful tonight, and have faith that it will all turn out the way it's supposed to.


Night.

Just sad

People are only as good as the front they put up.

It's hard to let friends go.  It's hard to let people go when you've learned so much about them. But what can you do?  Some people are put into our lives because we are to learn from them. Because we need them to lean on or we need to view the world through their eyes for a little bit.  I always have a hard time with goodbyes.  I think it's because I put value on everyone that I meet. Some are higher than others but I acknowledge their worth non the less.  It's getting past the part where I think about what I will be missing out on and looking more to what did I gain from this person/situation.
I cry just to let go of what I have inside, good or bad.

I wonder what kind of value is put on me sometimes.  I know it's not the same as my value on them.  I just wonder what it would be like to be a fly on the wall of any of my friends prospective on me. I wonder too if i meet people because they need to learn from me.  Learn intimacy, learn love, learn giving, learn humor, these are the things that come easy to me.  Maybe I'm looking at it all wrong and it's their loss not mine.  Maybe I'm the bigger one. Maybe I need to learn not to let everyone in, because I'm learning that not everyone takes their shoes off when they come in the door.

But I'll miss you, my friend I really will.  And I'm not bitter, I'm not mad.  Just sad.  For all the things I've learned and loved about you. For all the times I needed you and you were there. For every time I needed to be close you kept me right under you're wing. I only wish I were yours and you were mine.  But that will never be.  So thank you, I'm grateful but I gotta learn how to live without you.