Square Peg, Round Hole.

When will I learn?

"I know you, I walked with you once upon a dream."

I'm finding my ability to connect with another human is spot on.  I'm good at it. And it's genuine.  I always find something in people that set them apart from the rest.  I'm good at find strengths in others, and that's what attracts me to them. Knowing that little piece of you that makes you great, that one thing that you see all the time in yourself and other humans hardly pay attention to or acknowledge. I'm good at that.

I'm also finding that this is not easy for everyone else.  It's discouraging.  I'm trying not to look at it in the light of me not getting what I want.  I'm trying to look at it more as in, what I have to offer others.  Selfless acts of sharing my ability to love. Don't get me wrong, I wish I had someone pay attention to me in that way. See all the good in me and want to have that for always.  I learn to be patient. I learn to hold out. I learn that somewhere down the line it will all work out. And I will find them. They will find me.

But to be honest I'm not even sure if I am ready to give my self to another in a way that could leave me hurt. I'm not sure my heart has fully recovered from my first run in with love. It's scary to think about. I take love and relationships super seriously, not that I'm the only one because that's not true.  But to be honest if I'm giving you my time if I'm giving you my attention, you have just about all of my heart.  I think it's a flaw in my genetic make up.  This is where I am different.  This is what sets me apart.  This is why I'm scared.

So here I sit.  Alone.  Not lonely. But I sit here with thoughts, wondering about life and If I'll ever learn my lesson.


Just because you like someone doesn't mean they like you back.

Growing Up

I cannot even begin to tell you how hard this weekend will be.

Bradley leaves with his dad for most of the summer.

I'm having a hard time with it.

It's good for Brad, he is so excited to spend time with his dad and his dad's new family. And it will be good for me to have some time away from being a mom and breathe a little bit.

But gosh, my little heart doesn't even know how to handle it.


When I'm without Brad I almost feel useless as most of my purpose in life is Brad.  Making sure he is fed, dressed and clean. And also entertaining him. :/  It's a lot to do on my own but I do it.  I have no other choice and to be honest, I wouldn't have it any other way.

Bradley is my little compass and he keeps my life on track.  He is my soul.  My legacy lives on thru him. I love watching things thru his eyes. I love seeing what makes him happy. I love watching him pick up on social cues. I love watching him change in to his own little person.  I'm the lucky one. I'm blessed that for a short amount of time I get to care for him.  I'm humbled and honored. I love him.

So it makes me sad to see him go. I'm trying to be okay. I'm growing.  I'm learning.  I'm becoming more. I'm a mom.

Birthday Words.

I wrote this around my Birthday this year.  Had it tucked away.  Thought it would be a good time to share it...

Today.  Monday.  New month. Almost a new year.

I'm sad for no reason.  I'm like that.  Sometimes I wish I could turn my stupid heart off, stop feeling, stop caring, stop reaching for things that I'm not ready for.

Today I'm not honoring my gifts as a blessing as they really are.  I guess I just need a day to be frustrated with the way I was made. I wish I didn't see the tiny little things in people that make them who they are. I wish I didn't find good in them.  I wish I didn't attract the ones that desperately need that connection.  Because it's what I have to offer that these people are needing, not me.  This shell I carry around, that holds my insides in, sometimes just gets in the way. I love deep. I love hard. I crush easily. I survive. And I still have like 8 lives left.  I crave the human connection, not some superficial front that everyone carries around.  That's why most days I feel lost.  I'm swimming around as I am, as I will ever be, in a pond of fish that have no effing clue.

Anyway.  I just had to let that go.  I can breathe, at least for today.

Strengths and Down Falls

I haven't written in here in a while and for good reason. Life was happening to me.

I'm playing soccer 4 nights a week now. Indoor on Tuesday, Wednesday and Sunday nights. And out door soccer on Thursday night. I'm trying to reach my weight loss goals and build my self confidence. It's always an up hill battle to keep everything in line but I'm learning as I go. And trying not to make the same mistakes.

Tonight was a good indoor game. I played with all my heart. I wanted it. I wanted to be the best. I wanted to motivate the rest of the team to play harder. That used to be my strong suit when I was younger. I wanted the win.

I think the motivation that I needed came for wanting to reach the goals I've set for myself along the way.
I'm young. I'm single. I'm a mom. There is no excuse for me not having everything in life that I want/need. I'm seeing the good, forgetting about the bad and loving every inch of me.

But my heart is my strong suit and it is my down fall. I'm able to lend it out which isn't always good. Sometimes it's not returned to me in till I have to yank it back. But I'm learning. I'm growing. Im finding my passion within my self. I'm going to turn these lemons into gold. ;) watch me. Dare you to think I won't. I double dog dare you to tell me I won't. ;)

Good night.